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On Twinkies, Torture, and My Twin Pregnancy: A Personal Narrative

D'Angelo Carter

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On Twinkies & Torture: My Twin Pregnancy

by Cassandra Johnson

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Language	:	English
File size	:	201 KB
Text-to-Speech	:	Enabled
Screen Reader	:	Supported
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Print length	:	14 pages

In the realm of pregnancy cravings, mine were far from whimsical. They were a relentless obsession, a torturous dance with the one food I had sworn off for years: Twinkies.

The irony was palpable. As a registered dietitian and certified eating disorder specialist, I had spent my career counseling others on the dangers of disordered eating. Yet here I was, a prisoner to my own cravings, plagued by a secret shame that threatened to consume me.

The genesis of my obsession lay in my decision to become a mother. After years of struggling to conceive, I was blessed with the news that I was expecting twins. But with this joyous announcement came a seismic shift in my body and mind.

As my belly swelled, so too did my anxiety about weight gain. My history of disordered eating reared its ugly head, whispering insidious doubts and fueling a relentless need for control. I became hyper-focused on my calorie intake, measuring every bite and portioning out my meals with precision.

In the midst of this self-imposed nutritional prison, a strange craving emerged: Twinkies. The epitome of processed junk food, they were everything I had come to fear and despise. Yet, their siren song lured me in, promising a fleeting escape from the constant hunger and anxiety that gnawed at me.

At first, I indulged in secret, savoring the sweet, spongy texture that seemed to silence the clamoring voices in my head. But with each bite, the guilt and shame grew heavier. I felt like a fraud, a hypocrite who had betrayed my own principles.

As the weeks and months passed, my Twinkie consumption spiraled out of control. I would hide the empty wrappers in the back of the pantry, ashamed to confront the evidence of my weakness. My husband, sensing my distress, tried to be supportive, but my eating disorder had become a monster that I could no longer tame.

The turning point came during a routine prenatal appointment. As the doctor listened to my heart, I noticed a flicker of concern in her eyes. She asked me about my eating habits, and I couldn't bring myself to lie. With tears streaming down my face, I confessed my secret addiction to Twinkies.

To my surprise, the doctor did not judge or condemn me. Instead, she listened with compassion and understanding. She explained that disordered eating during pregnancy was not uncommon, especially in women with a history of eating disorders. She reassured me that I was not alone and that there was help available.

With her support, I sought out therapy and joined a support group for women with eating disorders. It was in these safe spaces that I began to confront the root of my obsession with Twinkies. I realized that my disordered eating was not just about food, but about a deeper need for control and self-acceptance.

Through therapy, I learned to challenge the negative body image beliefs that had haunted me for years. I practiced mindfulness and self-compassion, focusing on accepting my body as it was, pregnant and all. I also discovered the importance of self-care and setting realistic expectations for myself.

As I worked on my recovery, my relationship with Twinkies slowly transformed. They became less of an obsession and more of a symbol of my journey towards self-acceptance. I no longer felt guilty or ashamed when I ate them, but rather saw them as a reminder of my strength and resilience.

Today, my twin girls are healthy and thriving. As I watch them grow and explore the world, I am filled with gratitude for the lessons I have learned through my own struggles with eating disorders. I am no longer a slave to my cravings or the societal pressures that dictate what a "good" or "bad" body looks like.

My journey with Twinkies, torture, and my twin pregnancy has been a transformative one. It has taught me the power of vulnerability, the importance of seeking help when needed, and the profound healing that can come from embracing our imperfections.

To all the women who have struggled or are struggling with disordered eating, know that you are not alone. There is hope, healing, and self-acceptance waiting for you. Remember, you are worthy of love and happiness, regardless of your body size or shape.